It’s one thing to have your kids go around the Thanksgiving table
and politely say what they’re grateful for once a year. But teaching the fine
art of gratitude on a daily basis? That’s the real challenge — especially when
so many of us parents are still struggling with the concept ourselves.
“As far as being gracious and appreciative, that comes from the
example we set,” Wendy Mogel, clinical psychologist and author of the
bestselling “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee,” tells Yahoo Parenting. “Are we
criticizing them or their school? Are we gossiping? It’s important to think
about how much we demonstrate gratitude in front of our children. To be
grateful to our children and in front of our children — instead of demanding
reflexive appreciation — is the best lesson.”
With that idea in mind (the good ole “practice what you preach”),
Yahoo Parenting presents to you the gift of gratitude lessons:
Accept that they won’t
stop wanting things. “We don’t want to be
mad at the children for their longings, which are a form of passion and
desire,” Mogel says. “Plus, the have been brainwashed by advertising.” Instead
of getting angry about your little one’s burning desire for that singing Elsa
doll, acknowledge it, and then suggest putting it on the Christmas or birthday
list. Or, better, yet, suggest she purchase it with her own allowance or gift
money. “You’ll find the desire evaporates very quickly,” Mogel notes with a
giggle.
Resist spoiling. “If your child has an expectation that they’re
coming home with something every time you both go to the store, that’s how you
know you’ve crossed the line,” notes Jill Rigby Garner, parenting expert and
author of “Raising Unselfish Children In a Self-Absorbed World.” Instead, “Take
back authority and say ‘No’,” she suggests. “Rather than worrying about their
moment-to-moment happiness, focus on their full-blown joy.” Do that, Garner
explains, by taking away instant gratification. To wit: When her now-grown twin
boys were small, and they would go through the bank drive-thru, she would
always refuse the teller’s offer of lollipops; it became such a habit, in fact,
that her sons would join her in happily saying, “No thank you, not today.” But
every rare once in a while, she would surprise them by saying, “Yes, that would
make a nice treat today.” And they were overjoyed — and appreciative.
Teach them the power of
giving. While Garner suggests
not giving in to demands for treats when you’re out grocery shopping, she says
that doing it sometimes is fine — but with a twist. “One day, say, ‘Why don’t
you pick out two treats, and we’ll give one away.’ Give them the money in their
hand to make the purchase, and then allow her to give on away to someone else
right away,” she says. Whether it’s another child in the store or a person in
need outside on the street, she notes, “That truly is experiential learning,
because at that moment they are getting and, right away, giving. It’s a great
way to instill gratefulness.” Because giving often feels better than receiving.
Point out the generosity
of others. Andrea Hussong,
professor of psychology of University of North Carolina Chapel Hill and lead
researcher of a new study, “Raising Grateful Children,”
has been looking at ways that parents of kids ages 6 to 9 aim to teach
gratitude. Techniques ranged from saying thanks before meals to everyone
reflecting on their days together each evening. And Hussong adds her own
suggestion for Yahoo Parenting: “Help a child to recognize that he or she
received something, and that whomever gave her the gift or did something nice
didn’t have to do that,” she says. Then ask them how they feel about it, and
highlight their positive emotions, such as “I feel good.”
Understand when they’re
too overwhelmed to feel thankful. Now here’s a common scenario: Your kid gets lavished with
presents, either at a birthday party or family holiday gathering. And instead
of being filled with thanks and appreciation, she expresses dissatisfaction
over not receiving the one thing she really wanted. And you are embarrassed and
frustrated by her attitude. But, Mogel points out, “She didn’t ask for all
those presents. There are too many. Plus, she has fresh new longings every day,
just as we do.” Garner notes that, in the case of a child acting spoiled in the
midst of opening piles of birthday presents, a simple redirect could do the
trick. “I would probably disrupt the moment and say, ‘you know what? We’re not
going to open any more presents right now. But this is the perfect time to give
your guests their favors.’”
Avoid shaming. Even when your kid is driving you bonkers,
whining and demanding and never saying thanks, it’s important to keep something
in mind: “Shaming a child never works,” Garner says. “Punishment makes a child
feel rotten. So when you say ‘the kids in Africa have nothing,’ or ‘why are you
so selfish?’ you’re setting them up to rebel, and you reinforce behavior you’re
trying to change.”
Be mindful of teaching
consumerism. Whenever we spend time
gleefully shopping online, talking about the material items we desire, or
expressing serious satisfaction over finding the object of our desire and
ordering it with a swipe of our credit card (and who hasn’t done that?), we are
“unwittingly and unconsciously teaching” our children how to long for more and
more and more, says Mogel. A simple bit of awareness about our own behavior can
go a long way.
